I knew one of the top films would sweep, (Hurt Locker, Avatar), I just chose the wrong one. After Hurt Locker beat out Tarantino in the script category, I basically lost all hope. It was devastating to me that a typical, war story script (I’ve read the script twice) would beat out one as unique and as masterful as the tome Mr. Tarantino has penned. Also, some of the choices for the smaller categories: Short Doc, Short Live Action, Foreign Film, etc. were baffling, ignoring the more relevant and critically acclaimed pieces for the more…emotionally manipulating? In a time of severe economic downturn, every movie dealing with the subject was grafted. Up in the Air, Closing of a GM Plant, the White Ribbon—all failed to capture any awards. Maybe the Cove’s award made sense…who can’t be moved by slaughtered dolphins. Hmm…After Slumdog Millionaire won last year (15 million budget) and Hurt Locker (12 million budget)…maybe they are awarding the most frugal directors? Hurt Locker is no Slumdog though.

Besides the choices of winners (I’ve come to accept that the awards will never be good measures of future relevance, case in point: Citizen Kane, 2001 Space Odyssey, Star Wars, Vertigo, Alfred Hitchcock in general, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc.) but at the state of affairs of the show itself.

Lack of major stars in the top films left many viewers jaded at the, shall i say, circle jerk of actors on stage. After last years horrible, horrible presentation of the best actor/actress awards, I would have thought the Academy would have learned its lesson. Nope. It did it again this year except with even more awkwardness peppered in—people who worked with the actress/actor in previous projects (sometimes in very ancillary ways) came up on stage and basically jerked the actor for a few seconds.

The hosts were lifeless! Jokes were flat and cringe-worthy, voices monotone, and both judges had an air of “assholeness” emanating around them. My god, for two comedians of their experience and abilities to host in such a manner…it’s inexcusable. It’s almost as if they were kidnapped and replaced with Skrulls. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin shame on you.

Typical rehash of dead people and past winners in clip shows. I have heard of the individuals—the writer of Ferris Bueller especially—but for the typical American, it must have been a big yawnfest. Nothing new to see here. I must say I enjoyed the horror tribute (but WHY THE HELL was Twilight included in it, alongside Jason, Freddy, Exorcist girl, Samara from the Ring, etc.)

Ben Stiller came out in full Avatar makeup, complete with fishing hook controlled tail. At first I laughed…then it got awkward…then it got sad. Stiller started busting out broken Na’Vi, which essentially made him realize how big of an error his decision had been. He began to bite his lip in frustration, a look of “Mistake. Big Mistake.” on his face. When his prehensile tail started moving on his own during the nominee reading, he stated, “Seriously? Now?” and yanked the line away from the stagehand. If this was planned, it came off as a bit dickish. If it wasn’t planned…well…*cue guy screaming from far away* AWKWARD . I felt almost sorry for the guy–he just wanted a few laughs.

The worst, worst, worst decision of the show, and I say this lightly, was the urban dance rendition of the soundtrack nominees. It was just…wrong. It was the members of America’s Best Dance Crew breakdancing to each soundtrack. Really? Mr. Director of the Oscars, I say to you…REALLY? Oh, maybe it’s because the director of the show this year had something to do with ABDC (like, I d’know directing that too). Just a sad, sad state of affairs. At least go with the music, for the love of God. Someone liquid popping to neo-classical music is just…I can’t really think about it anymore, my blood is beginning to boil.

The speeches were just like they always are, the stand out to me being Sandra Bullock. She received her award with grace and charm, as it should be. The rest were pretty hohum…or in a Kanye moment, very awkward. Oh, and did anyone notice Bigelow’s creepy abusive husband arm grab during the Best Picture speech? Awkward. Oh! How about that ending? Tom Hanks runs out…”Best picture, Hurt Locker, ok bye!” Nice. Hey, I know how you can save some time, Academy. CUT THE STUPID CIRCLE JERK SHIT.

One more thing. I like how Hurt Locker only began to win awards during their advertising blitz from January-Febuary (BAFTAS, Writing Guild, and Oscars). Mo’Nique in her best supporting actress speech said  “Thank You Academy for giving this to the person most deserving of the award and not succumbing to politics.” First of all, way to be a dick and saying you owned the rest of the candidates. Second, “not succumbing to politics?”, uhh no.

Let’s just say I’ll be valuing the Golden Globes much more next year. Stay classy, Hollywood. *eyeroll*

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. – Joseph Campbell

The Hero’s Journey and Three Act Structure

Now there are a lot of different frameworks for storymaking in Hollywood–but there is none as widespread and accepted as the  Hero’s Journey. It has become an esoteric dialogue between screenwriters,actors and directors which help them organize their thoughts and present them concisely in a two hour time frame. The Hero’s Journey is derived from Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces, which studied themes in myths, legends, and folktales. Vogler, in his book The Writer’s Journey, applies these themes to modern literature and screenplays. This Three Act Structure, as it is referred to by screenwriters, is a liberal schema that can be applied to almost all movies.

Act One:

The Ordinary World

Here we are presented the world of the characters, the universe, and the problems it faces. We also meet the hero and we see his place in this world.

The Call to Adventure

Something weird happens to the hero that kind of pushes him towards change.

Refusal of the Call

The hero responds to this call by rejecting–either outright because he is afraid, or because of external pressures which create uncertainty and doubt in the character.

Mentor

The hero meets with someone who is wiser, someone who knows things that the character does not. He gives the hero training, equipment, and advice. This can also be an inward journey, one where the hero calls his past experiences in order to fortify himself for the danger ahead.

Crossing the Threshold

The Hero finally decides to embark on the adventure, leaving the old comfortable world behind and entering a new strange world that is strange yet exciting.

Act Two:

Test, Allies, Enemies

The hero creates allegiances, he is faced with some minor tests, and enemies of the hero are revealed.

Approach the Cave

The hero and his allies are faced with some major challenge.

The Ordeal

The hero enters the cave and confronts some form of death or fear, which can be confronting a villain or having some sort of horrible event happen. This is the lowest point for the character, but after he gets past the initial shock, the hero is reborn with a new sense of being, a new found hope.

Act Three:

Reward

The hero takes the prize for fighting with death. There may be a small celebration but there is a shadow lurking over the festivities…something that is coming to take the prize back.

The Road Back

This is where the hero is tasked with bringing the reward back to the ordinary world…either physically by destroying an obstacle which prevents him from reaching this goal, or internally by applying his new found powers and confronting that nagging problem that keeps him from the world being normal.This is usually a chase scene or something that shows the danger that is present.

Resurrection

This is the final test, the climax of the story. The hero has once last test before he can finally go back home. There is a moment where the hero must sacrifice something, look inside himself, and become pure. There is some form of death (the loss of an old habit, ideal, crutch) which strengthens the hero even more than the Ordeal. Usually this is accomplished by using the training he has learned from the mentor, and the using what he gained in the Ordeal.He is now a complete individual, which allows him to defeat the villain.

Return with the Elixir

The hero returns back home with a new found power that gives him the strength to change the world and live as he was meant to live.

If the pacing of the three act structure seems strangely familiar, see the next image.

The Three Act Structure follows the Golden Ratio, a pattern that is seen in numerous works of art, photography, music, etc. Still don’t believe me?

Here is Star Wars: Episode IV framed in the Hero’s Journey (Lucas intentionally wrote Star Wars using the Hero’s Journey (He even had correspondence with Campbell).

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

The Ordinary World

Scrolling text. We see Darth Vader and Leia conversing. There is some overarching universal conflict going on. We see Luke’s relation to this–jack shit. He’s just a farmboy but he wants something more…he craves excitement.

Call to Adventure

He finds C3P0 and R2D2. He sees Leia’s holotape, which calls for help.

Refusal of the Call

Luke essentially says…fuck that shit. His uncle says,” yeh fuck that shit, do your chores”. And so he does, until R2D2 leaves…

Mentor

Luke looks for R2D2 and gets saved by Obi-Wan, the mentor. He is given equipment (a lightsaber), and advice: “Come with me and save Leia, you fucking pussy”.

Crossing the Threshold

Bam, Luke’s uncle and aunt are BBQ, so he basically has no choice now. He decides to leave. We go to Mos Eisley which is the start of this new, crazy universe.

ENTER SPECIAL WORLD

Allies, Tests, Enemies

We meet Han Solo, Chewbacca(allies). We see a few tests: “these are not the droids you’re looking for”, Greedo, learning how to lightsaber stuff blindfolded. Darth Vader shows how much of a dick he is by blowing up Alderaan…yeh he is an enemy. Fo sho dawg, call the ambulamps.

Approaching the Cave

Damn thats not a moon! Death Star Tractor Beam. Shit, that thing can blow up planets?

The Ordeal

Luke saves Leia with the help of Han Solo and Chewie, Luke’s releases his load on some stormtroopers, then they get stuck in a trash compactor but manage to get out. Obi Wan turns off the tractor beam, but ends up facing Vader who is waiting for me. The slowest lightsaber fight I’ve ever seen ensues(what do you expect? paraplegic vs. elderly man) “Strike me down and I shall becom– Zzzzttt, saber’d. NOOOO, cries sissy Luke, but he gets over it when he hears voices in his head.

Reward

They leave with the reward: Death star plans.It surprises me that they would build an airshaft where if you bomb it the whole place explodes: pretty gaping engineer flaw if you ask me.There is a small celebration, but Han Solo is like, where’s my money bitch and leaves. It’s a trap! Vader put a homing beacon on the ship (nice job checking the ship guys)and they find out the Death Star is coming to fuck shit up. They need to destroy it. Luke is given a choice to fight, and he says, hell yeah, I’m badass now.

The Road Back

Time to fight the Death Star! They assault the Death Star, lots of failed heroes, but Luke manages to get through and begins navigating the random valley of turret guns. He is chased by Vader and some tie fighters. “The force is strong with this one!”. Damn Luke’s gonna die…but…BAM ALLIES COME BACK TO HELP! (<-This is a common theme in the Hero’s Journey)The Falcon shoots Vader and somehow he  swerves off course rather than blowing up. Anyway its all up to Luke now.

Resurrection

Luke only has one shot at this, his squad is dying left and right. He puts on his little targeting reticule eyepiece thing. Obi-Wan reminds him: Use the Force, Luke. Luke hesitates but sacrifices his dependence on technology and accepts this new power: the Force. Bam, shoots the photon torpedos and  blows up the Death Star. LUCAS: Cue CG NOW!

Return with the Elixir

Big grandiose ceremony. Luke is now a hero, he now has things that he did not have before: the force. More importantly, Luke gains courage and confidence.

So there you have it, the hero’s journey. But who knows what the fuck George Lucas is gonna add to “fix” his story–this might not fit in a few years. >.>

There is a lot more to this three act structure: but that’s it for now. Happy viewing! ~S. Vox

The Oscars are right around the corner and it’s time to make my annual guess predictions about how the Academy is gonna fuck it up this year. Remember this: The nominees are chosen by experts…and then voted on by the Academy(rich white people), many of which have not seen all of the nominated movies. I’ve also included who I believe SHOULD win the award, based on my own senile preferences and observations.

Original Screenplay

I love how the screenplay is usually the least recognized part of the movie making process. A screenplay should be fresh, coherent, and not lacking in the ingredients which make a movie great (read: The Writers Journey).

Adapted Screenplay

Visual Effects

Sound Mixing

Sound Editing

Short Film (Live)

Short Film (Animated)

Original Song

Original Score

Makeup

Foreign Language

Editing

Documentary Short

Documentary Feature

Directing

Costume

Cinematography

Ah this is my favorite Technical Category. Love lovvvve lovvee guessing this one.

Art Direction

Animated Feature

Supporting Actress

Supporting Actor

Actress

Actor

Best Picture

Verse I: The Homegrown

It’s a mild October night, I’m starving. It’s around half past eight. I’ve just been let out from a Master Gardener class and our lesson over the past month or so had been ‘how to cultivate your own homegrown.’  Friday is our show-n-tell night. The majority of the class chose to grow for medicinal and spiritual purposes (many growers are part of the Kapnobatai clan). It’s no surprise here in Southern California where it is the number one cash crop. In fact, this class wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for Mary Jane. Although I fully support the federal legalization of qannabos, food is my only drug, and I chose to cultivate watercress. Why? Well that MF grows fast as fuck and is mad nutritious, and while cannabinoids do add one helluva kick to brownies, they don’t really add to the flavor. Watercress got mad flavor. Also, the ancient Greeks believed that “Eating cress makes one witty” and I’ve been fairly dry and dull ever since I moved to Southern California. Self-deprecation? Self-deprecation.

So back to the class, my show-n-tell went as I expected. Only the fat soccer moms admired my fleshy, shiny, heart-shaped leaves. All the unkempt kids in the class didn’t have shit for growth on their psychoactive bullshit plants. Not even a THC bud yet. I was the winner and Shakesperean cultivation champion, but I was hungry.

I left the class and made haste in my black M3. Mazda3 that is. My stomach was thinking outside the bun and laced in MSG. Vietnamese (or Vietnese as some of the Caucasian folks say) sounded about right.

My Idea of What the Aysya Fridge Looks Like

There’s this Viet/French/Thai spot down the block from me that I haven’t been to ever since I saw the Ratatouille rat enter it by escaping from the KFC across the street. It’s called Aysya and this night is Bikini night. How delightful. Just what I need after a night of hanging out with characterless Swedish housewives and frat boys talking about plants. So I arrive at Aysya and its popping. The music is bumping loud enough to make a gang of guidos start their fist pumps to bang the beat. There were mad herds of white boys ogling the scenery, tipping big and satisfying their yellow fever for the night. Mad Vietnamese MFs hanging out at the bar fully furnished in Armani Exchange suits financed by their parents. For the most part,  it is a sausage fest and the only girls there are the ones wearing about 4 inches of fabric hiding only the body parts, which if revealed would require a bouncer at the door. I take a seat right by the dance floor.

Verse II: The Order

One of the half-nekkid legal hookers asks if I want a drink. I tell her I’m going all out tonight and want a glass of milk. She smiles at me awkwardly and thinks I’m trying to be cute. She must have thought I was giving her a line she’s heard a million times, given that her pale mammaries are pasted directly in my line of sight. I tell her, “Nah, I’m being serious.” And through the music that is now banging loudly, I say, “milk please.”

Aysya Waitress Résumé Photo

The stereo speaker is directly to the left of me and my table is starting to thump every time the bass kicks in. The legal harlot comes back with my drink and asks if I’m ready to order. With my watercress garden class trophy for Best Growth glimmering in my mind, I tell her I want a Banh Mi swich with watercress in it.

“Can you guys hook me up with it something special? I have an itch for it.”

She says, “For real? How many do you want?”

“Enough for two so you can join me (my lame attempt at flirting).”

“Alright meet me at the bar when I call you over.”

The EPIC FAIL flirt attempt turn out to be an be EPIC NGUYEN! I’m surprised the girl could hear me clearly with all the fucking guido music playing. Basking in my glory of being watercress champion of the evening and using it to pick up girls, I decide to sit back in my chair and enjoy my glass of “bovinic rum” and keep my eye on the bar. Within a few minutes, the legal tramp calls me over and there’s a plate with a Banh Mi sandwich sitting on it.

” Where’s the second one?” I ask her.

“Check under the plate,” she says. I look under the plate and see a baggy with 2 pills chillin’ inside. She looks at me as if I’m suppose to do something. “What is that?” I ask her. She says it’s mitsu. “Huh?”

“Mitsubishi x,” she responds.

It takes me about 10 seconds of a stupid dazed look at the baggy to realize what’s going on. I leave a green paper photo of Lincoln for the milk and am Audi 5000, leaving the (now) illegal Jezebel and her drugs back at the bar. I never get around to asking why she offered me the drugs, my guess is I said some kind of keyword: ‘watercress’ maybe?

Verse III: The Sandwich Millionaire

My Recollection of Slumdog Millionaire.

So it was a fun night despite the drug deal that I almost got involved in. I’m still hungry as fuck, so I head back home. Fuck man what can I make? All I got is this half grown watercress and whatever’s in the fridge. What’s in the fridge and how can I make a recipe out of it all? Let’s do this shit Slumdog Millionaire style. Question: What’s da illest sandwich you can put together using watercress?

*WARP BACK IN TIME TO THE YEAR 1987*

Context: I’m sitting in front of a fly I recently disected with a Silverhawks toy.

Me: Tio Loulou, your mustard sandwiches are great can you make me one.
Tio Loulou: Ok, Mr. cool.

*WARP BACK TO PRESENT*.

A couple of key scenes happen with me trying to find something complementing the mustard while a cop punches me, and I fall into a pile of shit.

*WARP BACK IN TIME TO THE YEAR 1997*

Context: Walking around the ghettos of Paris, France with a McDonald’s meal in my hand.

French Ghetto Kid: So which part of New York you from? Brookyln, Bronx?
Me: Bronx. You guys seriously eat mayonnaise with your McDonald’s fries?
French Ghetto Kid: Yes my American friend, we put crushed garlic in it.
Me: This shit tastes dope.
French Ghetto Kid: Yes, very fly.

*WARP BACK TO PRESENT*

Sandwich ingredients still a bit too dry for my tastes. So, I look for another wet item to throw in there and this rich fat guy named Javed tries to eat my sandwich and ends up spitting it out.

*WARP BACK IN TIME TO THE YEAR 2004*

Context: At an Italian-American household with Italian-American friend who just announced he was marrying an African-American woman to his Italian-American mega-conservative grandparents (don’t ask me why I wrote this memory with so much political correctness).

Italian-American Friend: Na, Pa, yea so this is my girl we’re gonna get married her name’s Lakeisha.
Grandparents stare at each other uncomfortably.
Me: Mr. Vanzetti this pasta sauce is incredible, what’d you put in it?
Mr. Vanzetti: Nothing just tomati e olio. ‘Tony you’re out of your mind. Is she even Catholic?

*WARP BACK TO PRESENT*

Hmm, need a protein. Egg? Nah. What else we got? I try to eat my sandwich at a train station but my childhood friend and his thugs stomachblock me.

*WARP BACK IN TIME TO YESTERDAY*

Context: I open refrigerator. My gilfriend is sewing next to me.

Me: What the fuck kinda bread is this? Has mad mold.
IndoSage: It’s not mold it’s flax seed and onion. It’s Flax-seed Onion Bread.
Me: What’s your beef with wheat?
IndoSage: Shutup, eff outta here.
Me: Da fuck is this!
IndoSage: Oil browned turkey.
Me: Why you gotta buy everything brown? You mad racist.

*WARP BACK TO PRESENT*

I spread the mayo and mustard on the toasted onion bread with the the turkey placed on the bread first. Outside, my childhood friend shoots himself in a tub of money, gangsta styles.

*WARP BACK IN TIME TO THE YEAR 1990*

Context: Sitting at my aunt’s coffee table eating a ham and cheese sandwich.

Me: This cheese is EWWWWWW.
Aunt: Et teeeeeh ["and ummm" to the English speaking world] it’s not called ewww, it’s… como se dice….. et teeeeeehhh.
Aunt #2: It’s called Heidi Ann…
Aunt: Heidi Ann Swiss Cheese. I’m on a diet.
Me: I like the monster cheese not this one.
Aunt: It’s called…. et tehhhhhh, muenster cheese not monster. When you get to be my age you’ll understand good cheese is not based on its name.

*WARP BACK TO PRESENT*

I throw the swiss cheese on the turkey, add the tomatoes and close it off with the FRESH watercress that I grew over the past few weeks. I end up with THE phat sandwich that I should’ve made at home in the first place. Every bite of it is an ode to my bitter, sweet, delicious memories.

Verse IV: The Recipe

1 handfull of fresh watercress
2 slices of flax-laced onion bread lightly toasted
2 slices Heidi Ann swiss cheese
1/4 thinly sliced romano tomato drizzled in olive oil
2 slices oil-browned turkey breast
5 pickle slices
pepper to taste
mayonnaise with roasted crushed garlic
yellow mustard

No Mitsubishi X required.

Verse V: The Pics to Prove

Verse VI: The Resolution

Watercress sandwich is a Nguyen for me. Mitsubishi X is FAIL for girl and vietnamese restaurant. My girlfriend ends up kicking me out for flirting with bikini waitress. I hope some of those Swedish mom’s from my class are single cuz I can tell they already like to eat.

Sure, the story is derivative and formulaic…but I will be so bold as to say all art is derivative and formulaic.

Peruse through The Writer’s Journey, and you will see that all Hollywood scripts follow essentially the same progression of story. Christian Bale is known to turn down roles that do not follow this formula. And he’s Batman.

Tristan und Isolde

SHAKESPEARE WAS ORIGINAL!, a frothing troll would scream, pedantically. Was he truly so original? Tristan und Isolde was a medieval folk tale, the earliest manuscripts of the story found in the early 13th century…hundreds of years before Romeo and Juliet (aka ITALIAN TRISTAN AND ISOLDE OMG!).

Good poets imitate, Great poets steal. Julius Caesar? Ripped right from Plutarch’s history books. What made Shakespeare immortal wasn’t his uniqueness…it was his ubiquity. He created universal stories that all people could enjoy, doing so with a willingness to break the mold of formality while keeping the same damn stories everyone knew and twisting it like one of those little plastic things that hold your cords. He was the Steven Spielberg of his time.

“Let’s go watch that new Shakespeare play!”, a mud covered peasant would say. “I hear this one has TWO swordfights!”

“I dunno, my girlfriend is being a real cuckold today,” his equally dirty friend would respond. Then they’d die of plague.

South Park reiterates my point: Just because the Simpsons did it … doesn’t mean it can’t be done again. It’s about creating something fresh with the leftovers we’ve been given.

Don’t get me wrong, Shakespeare did create something new: words. Shakespeare wrote in the vernacular–not in Latin or Italian, but in peasant ENGLISH. Oh yeah,  he also created words out of thin air.

Check this: every italicized word in this article is a creation of Bill Shakespeare.

Just made that shit up! He kicked Noah Webster’s ass into the 4th dimension, where he warped into the 19th century to write the dictionary. We use a little bit of Shakespeare whenever we write, which, to many, is one reason he is considered the greatest. When someone CHANGES A MEDIUM, they become great.

Shakespeare appealed to the masses, and he changed the formula of his medium: writing.  Avatar does the same–it changes the game. Avatar speaks in the vernacular, except instead of colloquialisms, we have explosions and alien sex. James Cameron is everything Michael Bay should be. Instead of relying on 100 cuts to show a door opening, Cameron allows the viewer to see the entire action, allowing the viewer to take in the scene and participate in the action. You know exactly where that giant pteradactyl thing is, and you jump as it swoops by Jake Sully’s head. Oh, and 2 Billion dollars and counting? Yeah, that appeals to the masses alright.

Avatar CHANGES the formula. It’s magnificent 3D is unlike any before it. The depth of field determines apparent viewing distance, which is one step closer to mimicking real life. He doesn’t flaunt it either. Cameron could have chosen to make 3D masturbatory, but chose to make the 3D subtle, yet exciting. Subtlety is magic, and Cameron has created rack focuses which create subconscious emotions that are akin to eyeball orgasms. There was no camera that was able to do this as James Cameron had envisioned it. So what did the fucker do? He just MADE THAT SHIT UP. He created a whole new camera system which will eventually trickle down to users like you and me. This WILL happen. How do I know? It happened to Cameron’s rival, George Lucas.

Thank you, George Lucas.

Hate George Lucas as much as you want, Phantom Menace jump started the digital movement. His movie, shot with newly designed 24p digital cameras, changed cinema forever. A movie could now be shot inexpensively and on the fly (film cameras are extremely bulky). The Panasonic DVX100, directly descended from George Lucas’ creation, was the first step in creating affordable, cinema like images with a digital camera( as opposed to expensive film) and filming a movie nominated for an Academy Award (Iraq in Fragments). Was there another movie that changed how we view and make movies as much as Phantom Menance did?

Yep, Citizen Kane. That’s right, I compared Phantom Menance to Citizen Kane. Done, son. Lucas’ digital cameras and Cameron’s 3D have changed the medium, just as Orwell did 60 years ago. 3D is what new words are to a writer. It is a new tool in an artist’s arsenal. What if Van Gogh didn’t have watercolors or oil paints? He would just be another nobody. How many artists has James Cameron created with the innovation of 3D? How many potentials has he just unleashed?

Avatar is an important movie…one that will give Cameron his share of italicized text in the future. Give the guy a break…he’s done us all a favor.