The Otaku Survival Guide: Complete Protection Against the Walking(Brain) Dead [Part 1 of 3]
Posted By: Sally Vox
Filed Under: Comedy on February 23, 2011
I was reading Max Brook’s charming book, The Zombie Survival Guide, when it hit me. Protection against zombies is all well and good, but I wanted to create something a little more useful. Ever find yourself lost on the way to the gun show, or parked in the convention center parking lot on your way to Hooters? Chances are that you may have encountered what is known as the anime conventioneer, also known as conventinius horribilus, a subset of the walking (brain) dead, or Otaku. What i present here is a guide that will help safeguard your health and survival in the unlikely (or perhaps very likely) event that you are faced with hordes of the "true" undead–hardcore anime fans.
Separating Fact and Fiction
What exactly is an "otaku"? What makes them different from any other person? Is it black magic? Alien forces perhaps? Government experiment? While cynics insist that anime fandom is simply a "divergent cultural splinter", all evidence points to one thing—a condition caused by what scientists are calling "autosystemic semi-psychological airborne disease” (ASSPAD). An ASSPAD is a virus that replicates itself by changing brain and body chemistry through longterm psychological trauma. Much research is being done to discover the minutia of the ASSPAD process, but at present, little is known about how or why it functions or even how it came into existence. Scientists at the Center for Disease Control and John Hopkins University have discovered that these "otaku", as they are colloquially known, are affected by a condition called “anime fever”, which is caused by the first ASSPAD discovered: nihongocaucus viridae.
Nihongocaucus virdiae and “Anime Fever”
Source
Double-blind tests replicated in several campuses across the country have found that viewing images found in the style of japanese animation send signals to the brain that changes brain chemistry (similar to what happens to trauma victims) creating highly irregular seratonin and dopamine production, causing not only obssessive-compulsive brain activity and eating disorders, but the formation of nihongocaucus viridae in the bloodstream, saliva, and sweat. When an uninfected is exposed to the (rather rancid) smell of nihongocaucus virus, it lowers the brains natural defenses against “anime fever” making it much more likely that they will succumb to the disease themselves.
Symptoms
The process of changing into an "otaku" (as I will refer to them) is outlined as follows. Note that this change may take longer or shorter depending on the individual.
(The Dabbler)1 hour exposure to anime:
Mild changes in seratonin levels causes mild changes in mood, ranging from confusion to giddiness.
(The Interested) 4 hour exposure to anime:
Seratonin levels gradually begin to drop, creating obsessive compulsive behavior and starting a vicious cycle of addiction
(The Anime Fan)10 hour exposure to anime:
Seratonin either plummets or skyrockets depending on the individual, creating eating disorders, rage at the world and at others, and severe anxiety. Even at this point, the chemistry of the blood, sweat, and saliva of the infected begins to change, preparing itself to create the nihongocaucus virus.
(The Anime Club Member)200 hour exposure to anime:
Mild psychosis begins to take hold of the individual, increased dopamine levels contribute to a growing belief in an "imaginary world" where pigs fly, and elves walk with humans hand in hand, and demons are handsome creatures, and all japanese women are big breasted and blonde. It is at this stage that the virus begins to exit the body in hopes of continued reproduction, primarily through the sweat glands of the infected. Body odor gradually grows more and more pungent.
(Conventinius horribilus: “Anime Convention Goer”) 500 hour exposure to anime:
At this point, the infected is immune to their own rancid odor and growing dementia. Severe schizophrenia and hallucinations begin to grip the infected, usually manifesting in the desire to use japanese phrases such as "kimochi" and "yatta" in casual conversation. The infected seek to find other similar infected, in order to maximize the chance that the virus will spread to other uninfected. They create groups called “anime clubs” which must be avoided at all costs.
(The Otaku)1000+ hour exposure to anime:
Final stage of "anime fever", the Otaku. Seratonin levels are permanentally lowered or elevated, and permanent damage has been done to sensory portions of the brain. Individuals usually believe they truly have actually become their favorite character, lashing out with anger at any who try to say otherwise. By now the individual has lost all sense of self-worth, forgoing grooming, contact with friends and relatives, and proper eating habits in order to increase their continual glut of japanese animation. All hope for cure is lost at this point.
Part Two Coming Soon
-SV
About the Author
Writing: The problem of and solution to all life's problems.
