StreetVerse

Reasons to Own a Gun (Besides killing things)

Posted By: Sally Vox
Filed Under: Opinion on February 3, 2011

Though I’ve never voted Republican, I can get behind one issue that is constantly on their national ticket—“Guns, for one and for all!”

I believe it was Robert Heinlein (great science fiction writer if you’re interested) who said “An armed society is a polite one. Manners are good when you may have to back up your acts with your life.” He knew what was up. Honestly, just as you can’t blame a keyboard for misspelling, you can’t blame a gun for doing bad things; it’s the person behind it. How do you expect someone to follow gun control laws, when people ignore laws on murder, rape, and theft? But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. We all know guns are weapons, but what other draws (pun intended) does gun ownership possess?

As a Hobby

I’m in the process of getting a Browning Buckmark .22 pistol(above) for the purposes of target practice (known as plinking). My goal is to be able to hit a moving target with 90 percent accuracy within 45 feet. I’m still not sure if it’s me trying to be the Punisher or Clive Owen from Shoot Em Up, but there is something satisfying about shooting holes into a paper target. It takes a lot of muscle memory, breath control and steady hands in order to be consistently accurate. Working towards goals like the one I have established make you feel accomplished as you see your shot spread diminishing, and it’s a little comforting that if there is ever some sort of zombie outbreak, you will at least have a head up on everyone else (or maybe, have their heads up in your scope? Haha! No? Too soon perhaps). I’d suggest going with a .22 at first because ammo is cheaper(500 shots for maybe 15 bucks as opposed to 50 shots for 20 on a 9mm). Just ignore the fact that you’ll look like a little girl with one.

As a Fashion Accessory

Now I know it’s not legal to carry around concealed firearms in Los Angeles, but as I like to say, it’s only illegal if you get caught. What stylish man wouldn’t walk around without his trusty sidearm? Remember the days when people carried their swords around their belt? That’s why men’s suit jackets button left to right, so that the sword wouldn’t snag as a gentleman pulled his sword out for a duel. People were just didn’t give a shit back then. Anyway, a gun in its holster makes a great fashion statement. Julius, one of the masters of Japanese leather, even has a gun holster accessory that, for whatever reason, people wear without a gun. Don’t be a pussy. Stick a glock 22 in there, and dare someone to make fun of your skinny jeans. DARE THEM. But really, nothing puts together a nice three piece suit than a “piece”.

As a Collectible

Guns have been around for more than a hundred years. In that time, they have gone through many aesthetic, ergonomic, and engineering phases. But one thing has not changed: their purpose. Killing shit. There is a rich history to be explored when looking at older “collectible guns”. There was a time when guns were filigreed and polished, they were weapons for a more “elegant age”. I guess those dukes and counts wanted to look good as they put a bullet into someone’s chest for stealing the last cheese sandwich. Even in more recent iterations, some pistols are made with that “special something”. Why not shoot something in style and pick up something like a polished Colt 1911:

As a Courage Builder

Are you a weakling who gets pushed around? Want to feel big and strong? Do you have a small penis, and rage at the world for not blessing you with an average wang? Guns can help.

Just firing a gun can make you braver. Holding that cold steel in your hands is like holding a gigantic robot penis, it becomes an extension of your own, flimsy appendage, except it is strong and fierce. As you squeeze the trigger, the first initial bang causes that duck and cover reaction, especially if you’re firing something bigger than 9mm. The kickback causes you to flinch, your body still in awe of the power you hold in your hand. The paper target becomes that sloping foreheaded bully who forced you to kiss the pavement as he shook your flabby belly, taunting you with his mongoloid sausage fingers, prodding you, spitting on you. The bullet flies through and you see a smoking hole in the target’s abdominal region. “Spit on that, Gerry,” you say to yourself as you blow the smoke from your gun. Suddenly, you feel like a man.

Just remember kids, if and when you do get a gun, follow safety protocol. Never leave a gun loaded, and always keep it under lock and key. Don’t ruin it for the rest of us.

Happy shooting!

-SV

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