StreetVerse

NBC: Epic Olympic Coverage Fail

Posted By: The Rational Investor
Filed Under: Opinion, Sports on February 21, 2010

What’s Failing

NBC is focusing way too much on wins. The people want fail. The viewers don’t care what flag the athlete is carrying unless they’re participators in tea parties (which is probably at most 3% of the American population). What’s my antedotal evidence? What video got more coverage on the interwebs: Apolo Ohno winning his 90th medal or the luger that split his head on the pole and died? While the luger’s death is extremely tragic, it’s his video that’s most popular. What video got the most play on NBC’s coverage of the olympics: Ohno or luger? Ohno. Why? Because NBC is dickriding the fuck out of America and its wins. NBC is ompletely out of touch with the modern day olympic viewer. They constantly try to bombard the viewer with these corny ass stories of dads telling their sons to concentrate on their goals, olympians that look up to their mentally disabled siblings and a skier overcoming an injury when he or she has the best health staff money can buy. This kind of feel good, rags to riches crap is outdated and lame. Again save it for the tea party crowd. I don’t currently own a TV. The only way I’ll buy one is when they invent technology that can allow me to filter out bullshit like this that is wasting electrons. Fuck 3D, I want a bullshit filter.

What they Should be Covering

Let’s think back to high school. I was in the top 10% of academics and bottom 10% of athletics. Meaning I was in the top 10 students of my class for all my studies and riding the pine (sitting on the bench) for basketball. I was expressing my passion for life in a poetic narrative written using the strict guidelines of Iambic pantameter. I was graphing linear equations using the slope intercept method without the aid of a calculator. I was able to clearly argue the points of the confederate revolution in the United States from an economic perspective.

I was sitting on the bench.

The rest of the basketball team was running a triangle offense. The rest of the basketball team was throwing alley oops off the backboard to each other. The rest of the team was getting laid. In all instances, with exception to the laid part, I got to observe. Since I was very immature and didn’t understand the world, my life lesson was: athletes will get laid and have a great time, smart people will not. All the while, I didn’t give a fuck and I just accepted it. It seemed all the athletes were good at only one thing: getting their balls in the hoop.

Sex and Parties

Official Sex Slave of the Olympics

Athletes at these olympics have endured intense training and haven’t been laid and relaxed for the past 2-4 years. They’re horny as fuck right now. Extrapolate the amount of tail the basketball players in my high school were getting in relation to what an olympic champion would get. It’s scaled several orders of magnitude. The olympic village must be looking a lot like jersey shore right now with snow instead of sand and good looking girls replacing orange wanna-be guidettes. These mfs are getting plenty of poontang.

The Official Condom for Curlers

Since conservative, boring ass NBC is keeping the after hours sexcapades under wraps, I leave it to the European press and the blogging world to give me the scoop on what’s really going on on the slopes of Whistler. After a simple google blog search of ’sex and the winter olympics’ I came across a shitload of results. Since Canadians aren’t morons that believe abstinence works and are graduates at the top 10% of their class during high school, they are prepared for these horny MFs. They distributed ~100,000 free condoms to the olympic village. They even included a special condom for curlers who are known to get the most amount of tail.

The Official Afrodisiac of Olympians

In a separate story, one of Canada’s athletes completely admits she’s going to slut it out once she’s done with all her events. Some of the stories don’t even involve athletes but the mere presense of having authority around the athletes (these would be the high school teachers in my analogy). Check this one out where there are allegations of sexual assault on staff and invitations for sex-trade workers to come aboard a cruise ship with olympic officials on it. And just to show you why I typically root against the Americans to win, I give you Scotty Lago. This mf won bronze, took the medal to a club and took pictures of himself living out every whiteboy’s dream. The Americans could’ve just let the mf live out his lifelong dream of feeding an Asian an In-n-Out burger patty in the hopes of Tiger Wooing her, but no they sent his ass back home to New Hampshire where there are no Asians. Completely fucked up in my opinion. Finally, and this is really my only proof that NBC is missing out on the sexcapades happening in Vancouver, I give you Confident Bay. Even he confidently whines about how he’s missing out on all the blonde olympic bombshells clubbing it up with atheletes he wishes he was as dope as. He thanks two blonde girls for providing him the pictures to prove it, but wishes there were more white girl videos for him to bay off to.

Failures

Tiger Wood's Wife Eats It During Super-G Photo ©Wally Skalij /Los Angeles Times

On a lighthearted note, NBC is completely missing out on the fails. While riding the bench I got front row seats to all the on-the-road, in game catastrophes. I got to see all the gym class heroes lose a game (that we controlled the first 3 qtrs of) by airballing a last minute three in the 4th. I’ve seen showoffs completely Spazz Palmitiere out while attempting a break away layup with no one on them. All the other students missed out on these epic events since they didn’t travel on the road with us. They still pictured these athletes as more than human. Kudos to Vancouver for assembling such intense and challenging courses to push these athletes to their limits. Thanks to the folks in Vancouver, we now get to see how human these athletes really are. On the other hand, NBC WONT PUBLISH ANY AMERICANS LIKE LINDSEY VONN BUSTIN HER ASS DURING SLALOM. NBC has done a great job censoring all the falls they don’t want America to see. Here’s the only three, thus my favorite, falls that I could find:

• Swede gets da ill concussion so he can score a nurse he met at bar last night.
• Guido Finishes Race on his Ass (NBC publishes this, I wonder why…)
• Cross Country skier thinks of the amount of sex she’ll be having once race is over and forgets to make turn

They are Jocks

San Diego Chargers Quarterback Philip Rivers At The Olympic GamesPhoto © Mike Hewitt/Getty Images

Finally, Let’s not forget that the students at the top 10% of the basketball team were also at the bottom 10% of academia. Being that I was the only nerd on the team, I got to experience first hand how dumb and douchey jocks are. NBC is missing out of this kind coverage. Here are a few I found.

• Most of these MFs don’t even know how to lip synch to their national anthem.
• MF mistake’s medal for an In-n-out burger patty and ends up chipping his tooth

What NBC needs to do

It’s no suprise NBC sucks at covering the olympics. If they wanted to not suck they’d do the following:

• Have a special section on their website dedicated to the dirt that’s going around in the olympics.
• Have a special video section dedicated to falls and make them EMBEDDABLE and shareable.
• Stop jumping from competition to competition. I don’t want to watch figure skating in the middle of Super-G alpine. I’ve missed a lot of falls because of this.
• Stop dickriding the American athletes and give all athletes equal time.
• Commercial segments should be followed with best crash of the day
• Get rid of those bullshit stories you write around the athletes.  Everyone, except Tea Party America, knows they are phoney.  Replace with after hour pictures and/or videos of the athletes partying and picking up girls (or guys if they’re a figure skater). If a few saps care how Apolo Ohno grew up, point them to his wikipedia page.

What about you?

What would you like to see in the olympics? What do you think NBC needs to do to make the olympics coverage better? I leave you with what I wish NBC would show after each commercial break:

About the Author

The Rational Investor whirlwinds through streetverse at a crazy rate. He holds a G.E.D. in Illness.