StreetVerse

Five SoCal Restaurants that are NOT THAT DOPE

Posted By: The Rational Investor
Filed Under: Comedy, Food, Opinion on February 10, 2010

In-n-Out Burger

Chad Ochocinco has McDonald’s. Mark Sanchez has Burger King. Brett Favre has In-N-Out. Catch the trend? If you didn’t, the trick is to look at what race each of those players is then match that race to the restaurant. Now that you understand the clientele that In-N-Out caters to, what to say about their burgers? I have a rule when it comes to the size of the meat in my burger: If you can fit the burger patty into a DVD case, it’s not a burger, it’s a DVD. And that’s what In-n-out burgers are. You end up having to order a double double DVD or 3x3 DVD just to taste the meat in your burger. The only two items you can order other than a DVD are shredded paper (what they call fries) and tri-color printer ink (chocolate/strawberry/vanilla). The secret menu is a joke. Just make it the normal menu. Stop trying to be cool. Especially with the little Jesus quotes hidden on all your sub-par office products. They don’t do it for me in terms of life and spiritual guidance. I prefer Ezekiel 23:20 or Proverbs 1:26. Those are dope verses. Your restaurant on the other hand is not that dope. A burger that isn’t a DVD.

Lee’s Sandwiches

If Brett Favre has In-n-out then Scott Fujita or Heins Ward’s lighter half has Lee’s Sandwiches. Ever wanted to roll a dull razor blade inside your mouth? Well I have by attempting to shove one of these MFs into mine. I seriously think Lee’s Press-on nails had a failed line of razors that they refined and made into their baguettes. It’s not so much the strings of skin that are left dangling on the roof of my mouth that piss me off, but more so the fact that I just dropped $4 for a cilantro sandwich. Stop trying to act like you’re still dope Lee. Your Banh Mi is weak. The only thing dope about you Lee is that you’re owned by the viet cong and are thus hated by all the southern Vietnamese that live out here. Other than that, you’re not that dope. Make your own Banh Mi and save the roof of your mouth

Roscoe’s Chicken n’ Waffles

Eggo Buttermilk Waffles Pack of 10 $3.50. KFC’s Extra Crispy Chicken 12 pieces ~$12 . Roscoe’s ‘Scoe’s’ 2 pieces 2 waffles $10.20. (Thought I was going to pull a master card ad joke?) The KFC+Eggo can feed 5 @ $3/person. The Roscoe’s alternative can feed 5 @ $10/person. We’re talking fried chicken and waffles, not King Fish Salmon (which I’ve happily paid $35/person for in the past). Dependent on the breed of rats running around a particular KFC, you will sometimes have the rat from Ratatouille in the KFC serving up the chicken FRESHNESS. If rat infested KFC doesn’t do it for you and you prefer Kosher or Halal, then Jewish-owned Popeye’s and formerly Muslim owned Church’s Chicken, respectively, are far superior in terms of taste and flavor than Roscoes. You’re only dope cuz Snoop eats at your spot Roscoe. On other occasions I can watch an entire restaurant get held up while waiting in your parking lot on any given weekend night. For all other reasons, you’re not that dope.

Frosted Cupcakery

If you recall South Park’s Prius episode, a storm of smug created by George Clooney’s Oscar speech strikes South Park. All of San Francisco and South Park are destroyed. In reality a storm of callow has hit southern California in the last three years. At least those MFs in south park got a warning. We had no effin meteorologist warning us. And there are plenty of hot plastic 304 meteorologists out there that could’ve done it too. Are you people serious? Cupcakes? CUPCAKES? The in-class birthday celebration birthday cake? Are you serious? This whole cupcake fad has got to go. What the eff is a velvet cupcake where the hell did it come from? Anyway there’s a crapcuke place out in Long Beach that charges dolts (usually of the Brett Favre persuasion) $3 a pop. I recently walked by it and noticed it had closed down. While I smiled cheerfully at the empty glass window, I moved towards the door and noticed a BIG ASS sign saying ‘we’ve moved!’ To my disillusionment they moved to a bigger, more trafficky spot. Meaning their cash flow is solid and will continue to grow. EFF! The storm of callow has not left. It has left socal in a state of attrition. I’m hoping to create a storm of ‘not that dope’ with this post that will hit the southern California area and make the dolts of socal realize that corny ass places like crapcukery are not that dope. Make your own 20 cupcakes for $6: Mix Frosting Liner

Frozen Yogurt Places, specifically Pinkberry

I’ll let the video speak for itself. It’ll be 45 degrees out and you’ll still see a grip of Asian cliques chillin’ hard out in front of these places. Asian cliques + frozen yogurt + Big Gay Al jingle song in video = not that dope. With exception to overpriced, mediocre Cold Stone, ice cream still shining ($4 @ Albertson’s).

Honorable Mention: Kogi Taco

I’ve never eaten here, but yes people actually throw Korean food into a tortilla and make a profit. Think about what you’re doing. You’re throwing quality tasting food into an inexpensive food container. Any seasoned eater would laugh at this. Any one in the mood for Lox on a hot dog bun? How about a fillet mignon between two rice cakes sandwich? Yeah didn’t think so, that sounds not that dope doesn’t it? Go to Korean all you can BBQ instead $14 and you can bring your own bag of tortillas (less than a $1) if the rice doesn’t do it for you. And the nicest part of it is you don’t have to deal with a 1 hour wait time in a sea of asian cliques twittering about where they’re at.

About the Author

The Rational Investor whirlwinds through streetverse at a crazy rate. He holds a G.E.D. in Illness.